COMP - when there is nothing else

I notice my eye is stinging and I realize my salty sweat has found it's way into my eye. My legs don't really respond the way I want them to, but somehow they keep on going. It's kind of unpleasant, when you think of it. Braking trail for the third day in a row, my body completely wrecked and the wind constantly roaring after reaching that last ridge. Wind, that strange force that can create hidden dangers and brake your mind just by being persistent. The same wind that brings vitality and carries us across seas.

My mind wanders on the trail up. It flows between the present, the future and the past. I'm not trying to control it and it's fascinating how the senses so easily brings it back to now.

Past; was it the right decision to move to Canada? Future; how long will my savings last me? And then smoothly back to now; my toes are cold.

I love that I've figured out how my mood will drop when I'm low on energy. I'll start having grumpy thoughts, like an old man, until I get it and just stuff some raisins in my mouth. It took me a failed multi-pitch attempt, turning into abseiling in the dark and the rope getting stuck, to learn that lesson. We where just about to cry and make some stupid decision when my partner simply said. “Let's eat first” and the world changed from hostile to manageable.

Back to now, the terrain is steepening and my focus is needed here. I do a nice steep kick-turn, smile to my self and send a "thanks" to my Sami friend who drilled me in ski touring. Then my mind is off to the future again. How much longer until the top? Almost there. How can you stay in the present when all you want is to finish the climb and get to ski down?

On the top there is no reward. The wind is roaring even higher and my skis slide on the wind scattered ice. It's scary and I get a very physical sensation of doubt in my chest. Will we be able to get down safely?

Then the sound and the untamed environment brings me back home, to my mountains. My beloved mountains haunted by wind, cold and darkness, that occasionally gives way for blue skies, sunshine and prefect snow. Remembering the past gives me a familiar and comfortable feeling and back in the the present again I think “I know this, I've done this before, Pacha mama means me no harm”. Skis and skins go off and we boot pack our way to the entry.

When you have no expectations, anything handed to you will be a true gift. After a few icy turns, getting away from the exposed peak, the snow is boot high and finally I'm there. In the present, in the now. No wandering of the mind, no past, no future. Just snow flying in the air, turns, burning legs, heavy breathing and nature allowing me to be a part of it's magic for a brief moment in time.

That's what it's like when there is nothing else.