Say it ain't so: Global Warming caused by Backcountry Skiing!
Before you compost your ABS bag and up-cycle your AT boots you should know that this comes under the category of Ketchup Soup from the boys at TGR. Here's the gist of it:
An alarming new study has sent the ski industry into a frenzy after announcing that backcountry skiing and snowboarding have caused dramatic increases in global warming.
The study, done by an international group of climatologists, has discovered that the amount of “Airborne Shit” spewed into the air is rapidly escalating due to the growing number of backcountry users that are taking to the slopes.
“Airborne Shit, or ABS is a byproduct of backcountry skiing,” says climatologist George Towns. “Whether it’s some revelation in the skin track, a daily vertical claim, or even talk about the snowpack, it all contributes to an incredible amount of ABS. It clouds the atmosphere and doesn’t let heat escape.”
Towns discovered the correlation shortly after the advent of modern tele gear. “When SCARPA introduced the Terminator in the fall of 1992—the first plastic telemark ski boot—we were finished.”
“That’s why I still use leather boots,” claimed telemark skier Donald “Quaker” Oats as the ABS avalanching out of his mouth emptied out a local used backcountry gear store in Missoula, Montana. “I’ve been skiing backcountry for at least three years now, and I just feel like the original gear is still the best way to enjoy the mountains.”
But telemark skiing isn’t the only culprit. “It’s even easier to pinpoint in recent years,” states Towns. “Let’s look at the largest winter the West has seen in recent memory, 2010-11. Telemark was dying the year before, there was only one reliable frame-style binding on the market and it wasn’t that good, and everyone was afraid of Dynafit.”
“It snowed and backcountry gear sales skyrocketed,” points out Towns. “The following winter was one of Colorado’s warmest. Fires ravaged the state. Colorado only saw a late comeback in winter this year because the majority of backcountry users had just plain given up—restoring normal weather patterns.”
So what can you do to fight global warming? Here are Ketchup Soup’s guidelines for bringing winter back:
- Stay out of the backcountry. If you must go into the backcountry observe rules 2-5.
- Avoid skin track revelations. You’re hiking uphill at high altitude. An hour into a hike and you’re essentially drunk. In no way, shape, or form is it a good idea to get back with Becky. She was a terrible person at the bottom of the hill, and she still will be when you’re at the top.
- Avoid talk about the snowpack. You know you have no idea what is going on. You took that Level One just so you could meet girls like Becky. Now you don’t have her and you didn’t pay any attention in class. Let the real experts talk for you.
- Avoid Microbreweries. Not only does Becky serve there, but you know you’ll be forced to talk about how many laps you did today, what was sick, and what was sketchy. You’ll have to lie about it so you look better than everyone else who is busy counting coup and banging their chests while enjoying refined, handcrafted elegant beers.
- Avoid Social Media. Not only is shit created on social media, but people also talk about the ABS they create on social media, ramping up the Airborne Shit Factor exponentially. And Becky blocked you months ago.
Words and Photo from tetongravity.com